Kathy Griffin affectionately named this interview: ‘We are equal every fucking day people.’ Kathy took a few minutes from her eighty city tour to speak with Equality365 about her mom, pop culture, elections and all sorts of fun stuff. The talented and never at a lack for words stand-up comedy stars is performing at Snoqualmie Casino for two shows on Sunday, October 11th. Get your tickets here. You don’t want to miss this show.
What happens to your old assistants? Are they buried in the backyard somewhere? They just seem to disappear.
Yea, I just kill them. My former assistant, Tiffany, is now married and pregnant. I was talking to Broadway Superstar, Emmy and Tony winner Kristin Chenoweth, because I was devastated when Tiffany moved back home and got married. Kristin, like I said two Tony’s and an Emmy, said that in California it is legal to tell your assistant that you are not allowed to get married or have children. I found out that is actually not the case. Short of burying them in the backyard, I have tried to institute some sort of policy where I tell good assistants ‘Hey no kids. Don’t get any ideas.’ So yes, I have a yard full of assistants. I am pretty close to putting my mom in there after the day I had with her yesterday.
Wow, what happened with your mom?
I took my mom to lunch at the Four Seasons. God forbid that she just go to a diner. She had a little drinky drinky. At ninety-five years old, what are you gonna do? It is not like I am going to tell her not to drink and drive. We obviously do want her to drink and we don’t want her to drive. She proceeded to tell me that her computer was broken. She wanted me to call, and I quote, “The Greek Squad”. I am thinking, she is ninety-five, do I correct her? No, I have two shows coming up at Snoqualmie and I am just putting that in my act.
Did she just really want the hunky nerds to fix her computer?
There have been many many hunky gay men in Maggie’s condo. Maggie was and is an activist whether she knows it or not. Maggie knows many gay men who adore her, as they should damn it!
Who buys your mom’s wine while you are on tour?
First of all, she is stocked. I don’t want to use the word bunker, but if you have ever watched those survivalist shows on Discovery. I know what she needs. She is in a super-pimped-out retirement village. They happily and wisely serve the elder folks wine whenever they want it. I mean, when you are ninety-five, drink up lady. Let’s just cut the shit. I don’t care if she just wants to go Lindsay Lohan style just upside-down bottle of booze. It is not exactly like she is going to get in trouble at her age. She is actually in a retirement village that in itself is fully stocked. Then, in her condo inside there, Team Griffin takes care of Maggie first and foremost. We make sure she has everything she needs. She has the Jitterbug Phone, the TV Ears where she unfortunately watches Fox News and thinks it is real. I have been trying to tell her Fox News is really a scripted show but at ninety-five there is no talking to her. At that age they basically become your teenagers. She is just basically running amok in her retirement village and she basically controls me at this moment.
Does she come to your shows?
Well, she doesn’t get on planes any longer. So, she will not see my show in Snoqualmie. My parents were actually married in Spokane though. So, maybe I will tell her that Snoqualmie is Spokane adjacent just to get her excited. She occasionally comes to my shows in LA. She is amazingly up on pop culture. She totally gets my jokes about Selena Gomez and Justine Bieber (Yes, she said Justine). For some reason she keeps up with all of that stuff. She is super-obsessed with Kendra from the ‘The Girls Next Door’. She is very confused by Kendra’s husband Hank’s choices. Speaking of the LGBTQIA community, I would say that Hank is a Q. I don’t judge though. Maggie and I have deep conversations about what is going on with Kylie Jenner’s car from Tyga. She doesn’t really know who Tyga is but she doesn’t really approve of Kylie’s latest hair color either. I just have to kind of admire a ninety-five year old that rolls that hard.
What do you think of the Donald running for POTUS?
First of all, it is a sad and tragic statement about Americans. Obviously, when he did the Q&A last week with the unfortunate questioner, who I hope does not exemplify the real America. As I am doing eighty cities in my #LikeABossTour, I say ‘look Donald I am performing in the real America. I have performed in Iraq and Afghanistan. You haven’t even been there, dumb ass. Get my coffee bitch.’ I am ready for Hillary. I also get nervous when people think they are being feminist by thinking Carly Fiorina is the way to go. I just want to remind anyone that watched the debate where Carly put the Donald in his place by lying about a highly edited tape that was not out by Planned Parenthood and does not represent them in any way. I, myself when I was just a temp and indigent, had no other place to go for a simple pelvic exam or healthcare. I just want to make sure that everyone knows not to get it all twisted. Hillary earned it. She has been through hell. She is brilliant. She was the Secretary of State. So I get a little irritated when people say that Carly Fiorina is great even after she laid-off thirty thousand people at Hewlett-Packard and then took the forty-two million dollar parachute. I am glad to hear that the Donald cherishes women. I mean, that is why I do comedy, to be cherished.
To the LGBTQ Community: do not think for one minute that the Donald has your back. Do not think for one minute that he is a fun kooky character that would be fun to watch as president. No. He is a fun sideshow but let’s stay focused on Hillary. She is the one that is going to get stuff done. She has been there for you. She is smart. She has earned it. I may have to yell at the crowd at Snoqualmie. They always love it when you yell about politics in a casino.
Can you tell me a little bit about how you stay creative and keep your shows so fresh?
First of all, I love improvising. I am not someone that sits a computer to write the perfect monologue to recite night after night. I was raised in a hilarious, very dysfunctional, enjoys the drinky drinks family. So, in a way that was a training ground. Then I attended a very large high school where I couldn’t have been more of a unique not-at-all popular kid. I was like a theater geek. I never went to prom or homecoming. I have all of the things necessary to become a stand-up comic, well certainly a female stand-up comic. I love improvisation. I have done twenty-three stand-up comedy specials. I cannot wait to get up to the microphone. The nature of the political landscape, the pop culture landscape nixed in with my own personal run-ins with these celebrities is just comical. You should know that I am doing eighty cities. I am going to be telling tales out of school. I am going to be naming names. I will be talking about anything from being back stage at the Bette Midler concert, to a hilarious gift I got from Lady Gaga, to seeing Gwyneth Paltrow last week. Gwyneth is maybe not a fan of mine and I am putting that lightly. I am out there. I can’t stop getting material. I can’t stop making people laugh. I just love it.