How To Avoid Relationship Doomerism

It should be no surprise to anyone that we’re living in one of the loneliest times to be alive. Even without the shadow of COVID lurking large over the past few years, we’ve increasingly disconnected thanks to the steady degradation of the community, with the modern work-life serving to push us all into more and more isolated lifestyles. It’s not hard to see why people can feel some doom and gloom about the potential of finding good relationships out there. However, it’s more than possible to find relationships, even if it’s a little trickier than ever. What you want to make sure is that this relationship doomerism doesn’t start sabotaging you before you can even try.

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Know that it’s not you

First of all, you should make sure that you’re not being too hard on yourself. Everyone is finding it more difficult to date nowadays. They’re still out there doing it, trying, getting into relationships, and making it work. But it’s tough. The traditional environments in which we used to date are being replaced by online spaces and the increasing demands on our time from work due to rising costs of living mean that we don’t have as much time to hit up the leisure spots as we used to. So stop being down on yourself and thinking that it’s all about you. We’re all having it tough out here, even those in relationships are finding it more difficult to make the time those relationships need.

Work on yourself anyway

That said, sometimes recognizing that isn’t enough to help your confidence. You do need to be more willing to put yourself out there and, a lot of the time, that means that you need to find ways of boosting your confidence to do just that. As such, you should look at the little and large ways that you can work on yourself. Aside from helping you feel better about yourself, it also helps you understand that you have more to offer than you did in the past, which also makes it easier to feel like you deserve the relationship that you’re looking for. You shouldn’t feel expectant or entitled, but you definitely deserve love, as we all do.

Start moving on past your ex

This might not apply to everyone, but it’s going to apply to a lot of people: we all have baggage, we all need to learn to carry it. This isn’t to say that you need a “stiff upper lip” approach to a highly toxic past relationship, an abusive ex, or anything else that might take real-time and help to work through. However, you need to make sure that you’re not saddling your prospective partners with your baggage. This doesn’t just mean that you should avoid oversharing, it also means that you should try to stop seeing them through the lens of your past relationships. A bad experience is naturally going to color your next experiences of the same type, but if you become aware of that, you can make sure that it doesn’t go too far in setting the rules of the game for you.

Much in the same way that you should avoid letting relationship baggage affect your relationships, you should avoid letting your pessimism about dating show when you’re actually trying to do it. The single best way to do this is to start erasing the negative language you have been used to using out of your life. If you’re in any “dating advice” groups online, whether it’s on social media, in forum, or through watching videos, you need to seriously inspect those spaces and whether or not the advice they give is affirming and positive, or if it teaches you to be overly critical, to have super specific expectations, and to become a more toxic person to date.

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Manage your expectations when it comes to dating apps

With the diminishing of traditional dating methods comes the rise of new ways of looking for love and none of them has become quite so common as the dating app. Dating apps are tricky beasts in more ways than one. For one, you need to know what each is used for, as some tend to be much more tied into the hookup culture while others are for more serious attempts at dating. But you should make sure that you’re getting the most out of them by having healthy expectations from them. You shouldn’t expect that they’re going to do anything like guaranteeing you a relationship, but always put your first foot forward and use them with an open and unexpecting mind.

Be ready for love when it comes

While managing expectations and not putting too much pressure on yourself (or other people) to have a perfect relationship out the gate is important, this doesn’t mean that you live without the optimism of getting the kind of partner that you want. Positive thinking and affirmations to help you manifest the kind of partner you want can help you get a much better idea of what you’re looking for, and help you be ready to make your move when you see, as you can learn more here. This doesn’t mean that you demand the partner that you want, but that you put out the good energy that you’re trying to get back.

Challenge your expectations

However, while you can know what you want and manifest it in your own time, you can also help get a better idea of how wide the possibility for romance is. Challenge your expectations and your norms when it comes to dating. If you have a “type” try dating outside of it. Try going on different dates than dinner and drinks. Take opportunities when they come. You don’t have to lower your expectations, but you can find the wiggle room to be surprised and to see that there’s more opportunity out there than you might be giving credit for.

It might sound like a funny concept, but relationship doomerism is alive, well, and growing. We have to take the opportunity to fight it in order to ensure a positive outcome.

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Earle Dutton

Earle Dutton

Earle Dutton is the Chief Blogger and Editor of He founded in 2013 to provide information about LGBTQ friendly events of interest, and to support LGBTQ entertainers and supportive artists who visit our community. Earle is a successful businessman in the Pacific Northwest with a long history of support for and involvement in, the Northwest LGBTQ community. His personal interests include: music, theater, pets, culinary arts and technology.

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